That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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