His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
