i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
