I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
