My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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