dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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