I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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