You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
