How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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