So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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