Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
