my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
