Just cropdusted the office
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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