forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
