Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
