Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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