Screwed.edu
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize