Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
