Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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