I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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