Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
