Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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