It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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