The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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