someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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