Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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