I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
