I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
