I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
