I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
