I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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