can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
