Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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