shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
