Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
