I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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