Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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