You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
