i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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