you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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