So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
