I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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