Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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