woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
