You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
