I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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