youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
