I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
