I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
