She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
