I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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