Please, let me fuck your mom
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
