2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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