If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
