3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
