I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
