I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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