Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Duck Duck Cougar?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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