and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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