Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize