I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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