I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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