every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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