Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
